Thailand

               In my hometown of Marietta, Georgia I had a couple of friends in my neighborhood that I kept in 

contact with regularly up until a few years ago. One of those friends, Mark, decided to join the Peace Corps 

and was shipped off to Samoa. After being kicked out for reasons that he can explain in his book, he was 

told that he needed to return to the United States. He basically told them that the Peace Corps can’t make 

him go home and he found a job with a local family doing some kind of shit. I would talk to him regularly 

through email and this was all fascinating to me. I had never been out of the United States except for a 5 hour 

stay in a holding cell in Canada outside of Montana.

               

              Mark stayed in Samoa for a few months until he got a really bad toothache where a local Samoan 

dentist tried to fix it and actually made it worse. He decided that his best bet was to leave and go to Hawaii 

where he could see a dentist that knew what the fuck was going on. He ended up staying there for a year or 

so doing what he used to do in Georgia, cleaning and setting up rich assholes aquariums. Somewhere along 

the line he decided that he didn’t want to do that shit anymore and had the travel bug. He received his TEFL 

certificate (Teaching English as a Second Language) and took off to Southeast Asia.

              

              At this time I was going to college in Gunnison, Colorado and was intrigued as to what the hell he 

was doing in Southeast Asia. The only thing I really knew about the area, well, was absolutely nothing. I 

knew that the Vietnamese kicked the fuck out of us in the war but he was in Thailand. After a 6 month stint in 

Thailand, he decided to get a job in Cambodia. Then i thought to myself, “Alright, now I NEED to go see 

him!” I was a punk rock kid growing up and to think that I could visit a place that the Dead Kennedys sang a 

song about was awesome to me. I started talking to him about planning a trip out there to see him. He told 

me that it would I would need to visit for at least a month to completely understand this place so foreign to 

me. Looking back at it, a month was probably all he wanted me there. He knew all of my stories and knew 

that i wasn’t the same kid I was when we grew up together. I got arrested all the time, was always in a bad 

relationship with some crazy bitches, drank too much and did entirely too many drugs.

              

             So it was on. I got my student loan money and booked a one month ticket to Bangkok, Thailand. 

He told me to book it to Bangkok because it would be cheaper than flying to Cambodia and he didn’t even 

know if he would still be in Cambodia by the time I got there. I prepared myself by getting a Lonely Planet, 

who my other friend I grew up with in Marietta dubbed “The Backpackers Bible”. I started reading up on 

Southeast Asia and started to think that I got myself into some shit. After reading about Pol Pot, landmines 

and hookers I knew that this was going to be an adventure to me. Growing up a suburban white in the United 

States was nothing even close to what I was reading about. We didn’t have land mines lying around in the 

woods and all of our hookers were toothless crack whores. This shit was foreign to me and it was about as 

foreign as foreign could get. If you look at a globe the United States is the complete opposite of Southeast 

Asia. I wasn’t going backpacking in Europe or some other westernized place; I was going to Southeast 

fucking Asia!

               So the time came to where it was about my time to board the plane. Mark was no longer in 

Cambodia. He had taken a job in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam, or what your father knows as Saigon. The plan 

was for me to fly into Bangkok, apply for my Vietnamese visa and then take a flight to Ho Chi Minh and 

meet up with Mark. I was told by him that it would take four to five days before I would get my visa. After 

trying like hell to get him to meet me in Bangkok with no luck, he assured me that it would be alright. His 

exact words were “I flew into Bangkok by myself and nothing bad happened”. Well, yea motherfucker, 

you’re used to this shit. I had never even been out of the States before asshole! Whatever! Let’s do this shit!

               Mark gave me a few simple instructions about traveling abroad and in Bangkok specifically. Don’t 

get robbed; don’t talk shit, if a woman automatically shows you her tits, she is a man, act like you know what 

you are doing and NO WEED IN BANGKOK! He told me that you can smoke yourself stupid in Southeast 

Asia but for some reason Bangkok was very strict about weed. Pretty simple instructions I thought. I can 

handle this.

               I get off my plane, check in through immigration and make my way to a cab. I have him take me to 

Khao San Road which was made famous in the movie The Beach and is considered the “Gateway to 

Southeast Asia”. The cab ride was some amazing shit and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face all while 

thinking that I was going to die soon. The cab driver weaved in and out of Tuk Tuks and pedestrians and we 

time. I was here, the place that I had been reading so much about in the months prior.

               I exited the cab and was immediately surrounded by little Thai fuckers offering me food, hotels, 

“boom boom” and “yum yum”. It took me a while to figure out what the last two were but I’m a smart 

motherfucker and figured it out with a little thought. I ignored all offers and continued to walk, looking for a 

place for me to sleep for the night. I eventually found a nice little hotel off the craziness of the Khao San Road 

with a restaurant below it. I checked in and made my way to the restaurant for a beer and some food.  I 

made the mistake by telling them I wanted the spiciest dish that they had and I think my butthole suffered for 

the remaining of the trip. The whole time I was sitting there I was obviously sticking out like a sore thumb and 

people kept talking to me. I eventually starting talking to some Thai’s that worked there and were just getting 

off and a couple more foreign assholes.

               The next thing I knew, no less than 2 hours after I landed in Thailand, I was at a whore house. I 

had told Mark that I didn’t think I was going to bang any hookers there and he just laughed. Yep, he was 

right and in the first few hours nonetheless! For all you women out there, you just won’t get it. Foreign 

countries and hookers go hand in hand. You can’t just go out and have a one night stand in a foreign country, 

everything, and I mean EVERYTHING costs money and all these bitches want white boyfriends. Boyfriends 

who they want to turn into husbands, not one night stands. So go fuck yourself!

               Now back to the whore house. We walk into a dirty, falling down, brick building and my new Thai 

friend starts talking to what I can only assume is a gentlemen, and all of a sudden he claps his hands twice. 

Next thing I know, no less that 20 half naked girls come out of a back room and line up. I had no fucking 

idea what I was supposed to do so the other foreign assholes picked first and took off to the back room. 

That’s right! I was the last man in line for the gang bang! Not really. I just wanted to say that. I just got last 

pick last so the hottest ones were gone. I don’t want to bore you by talking about me banging a hooker but 

this was my first time I had paid for sex. It’s not the same at all and really isn’t that enjoyable but it certainly 

wouldn’t be my last time banging a hooker. Hell, I still bang hookers to this day. Sometimes you’re drunk 

and just want to get a nut and not have to deal with all the bullshit you women make us go through to get in 

your pants.

               After our whore house trip we go back to the hotel and drink until the sun comes up with my new 

Thai and foreign friends. I get a good couple of hours of sleep (I could have slept all day but I wasn’t going 

to waste it), did some sightseeing and then met up with my new Thai friend who worked at the hotel. I ended 

up getting hammered exchanging stories with this guy and his friends and then it came. My new Thai friend 

had some weed and wanted to smoke a joint. At first I was hesitant because of what Mark told me but I 

thought “Hey, this is a nice guy and it not like I buying weed from him, I’m smoking HIS joint WITH him”. 

So what the fuck; I smoked a joint with him and his friends, went to bed and nothing out of the ordinary 

happened.

               Next day consisted of more sightseeing and then meeting back up with my new Thai best friend. 

We started drinking and then ended up at a ping pong show. For those that do not know what I am getting at 

I will explain. Outside of the Khao San Road there is an area of town called Patpong which is the red light 

district. A ping pong show is like nothing you will ever see in your life. You basically go into a strip club and 

these hookers show you their “talents” with their bodies. That’s right! These hookers shoot ping pong balls 

out of their vaginas, shoot darts out of their vaginas and even smoke cigarettes out of their vaginas. It is a 

glorious experience and I walked away with utmost respect for the human vagina.

               We get back to the hotel after the greatest night of my life for more drinking and smoking this 

dude’s weed and then it came. He pulled me to the side and told me some bullshit about how his dealer was 

coming to collect the money for the weed and he didn’t have it. I thought that he was going to ask me for 

money but, no. He wanted me to hold on to the weed so his dealer wouldn’t take it. I was having no part of 

it because of Mark and I’s prior conversation but, being the dumbshit American that I am, finally took it so 

he would shit the fuck up. I went back to my room, smoked a joint and started thinking. I didn’t like the 

situation and I needed to get the fuck out of this hotel! I packed up my shit in the middle of the night when I 

knew everybody was in bed, left the key at the desk and got the fuck out of there.

               I walked down to the more crowded Khao San Road, found a hotel and just sat wide awake in 

bed when I started to get the munchies. I remembered that there was a 7 11 directly across from my new 

hotel. I made to conscience decision to take the weed out of my pocket before I left and went to the 7 11 no 

more than 50 feet from my hotel. As I am almost across the street, two cops on the same motorbike stop 

and start saying a bunch of shit in Thai to me. I don’t understand Thai but they started to pat me down and 

kept saying “Marijuan” over and over and over and over again. I played stupid and they reluctantly let me go. 

I got some snacks and headed back to my hotel for a sleepless night wondering what the fuck I was doing. I 

was warned and still defied my good friends’ orders. The kid has done this before. He knew what he was 

talking about and I was a fucking idiot.

               I devised a plan, if you call it that, to get this weed back to my supposed friend. I should have just 

flushed it but, like I said, I’m a fucking idiot. I stuffed it in my sock and made my way through the crowded 

Khao San Road back to my original hotel. I found my Thai friend who seemed very concerned about me 

because I checked out and all my stuff was gone. I pulled him to the side, pulled the weed out of my sock 

and told him to fuck off and I never wanted to see him again. The look on his face was priceless and as soon 

as I saw it I knew what was up. He was working for the cops and wanted me to get busted. If I got busted I 

would have bribed the cops and he would have got a cut. I know what was up now but I guess you have to 

learn the hard way, right? I took off never to see that fucking snitch again but I wasn’t done with the cops 

yet.

               I spent my last remaining day and night in Bangkok hanging out with an English guy that I met that 

day, before I was to receive my visa in the morning and fly to Bangkok. We drank a bunch of beers and 

hung out on Khao San Road while Thai street vendors called us George Bush and Tony Blair not so 

respectfully. I actually have audio that I recorded with a pocket recorder with some of our conversations we 

had with Thai people that night. At this point I thought that all was well and I was in the clear. I made 

arrangements to meet my English friend, whose name escapes me, in the afternoon for a beer before my flight 

to Vietnam left in the late afternoon. I went back to my hotel and got some much need rest.

               I woke up and had a few hours to kill before I met the Englishman and decided to head to a Thai 

boxing gym that I had seen earlier in my sightseeing. As I am walking there I have to go through this dirty ass 

alley. There are bums sleeping on the side, trash everywhere, a big fucking shithole alley. As I am walking, I 

am smoking a cigarette and when I was finished I flicked it in the dirty alley. The next thing I know 2 cops on 

one motorbike stop me and tell me that I was littering. I tell them that I was sorry and picked up my cigarette 

butt thinking this would solve the problem. Nope! They inform me that littering is a 2000 baht fine, which I 

think; at the time was around $125-150 US dollars. At this point I am done with the fucking cops in 

Bangkok. I’ll just pay the fine, get the fuck out of there and never see them again. Problem was that I only 

had travelers checks on me. I inform them of this and they tell me to get on the motorbike. So there I am on a 

motorbike, a fucking scooter as we call them, sitting bitch between two Thai police officers heading to a Thai 

check cashing store. I go up to the window, hand them the travelers check and they ask for my passport. “I 

don’t have my passport”. “We cannot cash a travelers check without your passport, sir”. I try to explain to 

them that I had a “fine” to pay to the police and they didn’t care. “No passport, no cash traveler check”. So I 

hop back on my bitch seat between two Thai officers and we headed to the next check cashing place, then 

the next one, then the next one, NOBODY would cash a travelers check without my passport and I’m 

starting to think that I’m going to jail for fucking littering in Thailand. The cops ask me where I am staying and 

I lie and say Patpong. Hey, that’s the only other part of town that I knew at the time. I guess they didn’t want 

to drive all the way there so they reluctantly let me go. You could tell that they were fucking pissed but they 

eventually let me go. I snuck into the crowd of the Khao San Road and made it to my hotel, making sure that 

I wasn’t being followed and hid like a bitch until I got a cab to the airport. If you’re reading this Englishman, 

now you know why I never showed up to the bar for drinks before I left town.

               I’m sure you know by now that this had nothing to do with littering in a shit stained alley. These cops either knew what was going on or they were the same cops that stopped me outside of the 7 11. I have no idea, all those Thai fuckers look exactly the same to me but I assume they were the same ones working with my Thai friend. When I got to Vietnam and told Mark all he could do was say that I was a dumbass and laugh.   Bottom line is that if you ever go to Bangkok, DON’T SMOKE FUCKING WEED! You have been warned twice now. 

This guy on the Khao San Road has no fucking legs!