In my
hometown of Marietta, Georgia I had a couple of friends in my neighborhood that
I kept in
contact with regularly up until a few years ago. One of those
friends, Mark, decided to join the Peace Corps
and was shipped off to Samoa.
After being kicked out for reasons that he can explain in his book, he was
told
that he needed to return to the United States. He basically told them that the
Peace Corps can’t make
him go home and he found a job with a local family doing
some kind of shit. I would talk to him regularly
through email and this was all
fascinating to me. I had never been out of the United States except for a 5
hour
stay in a holding cell in Canada outside of Montana.
Mark
stayed in Samoa for a few months until he got a really bad toothache where a local
Samoan
dentist tried to fix it and actually made it worse. He decided that his
best bet was to leave and go to Hawaii
where he could see a dentist that knew
what the fuck was going on. He ended up staying there for a year or
so doing
what he used to do in Georgia, cleaning and setting up rich assholes aquariums.
Somewhere along
the line he decided that he didn’t want to do that shit anymore
and had the travel bug. He received his TEFL
certificate (Teaching English as a
Second Language) and took off to Southeast Asia.
At this
time I was going to college in Gunnison, Colorado and was intrigued as to what
the hell he
was doing in Southeast Asia. The only thing I really knew about the
area, well, was absolutely nothing. I
knew that the Vietnamese kicked the fuck
out of us in the war but he was in Thailand. After a 6 month stint in
Thailand,
he decided to get a job in Cambodia. Then i thought to myself, “Alright, now I NEED
to go see
him!” I was a punk rock kid growing up and to think that I could
visit a place that the Dead Kennedys sang a
song about was awesome to me. I
started talking to him about planning a trip out there to see him. He told
me
that it would I would need to visit for at least a month to completely understand
this place so foreign to
me. Looking back at it, a month was probably all he
wanted me there. He knew all of my stories and knew
that i wasn’t the same kid I
was when we grew up together. I got arrested all the time, was always in a bad
relationship with some crazy bitches, drank too much and did entirely too many
drugs.
So it
was on. I got my student loan money and booked a one month ticket to Bangkok,
Thailand.
He told me to book it to Bangkok because it would be cheaper than
flying to Cambodia and he didn’t even
know if he would still be in Cambodia by
the time I got there. I prepared myself by getting a Lonely Planet,
who my
other friend I grew up with in Marietta dubbed “The Backpackers Bible”. I started
reading up on
Southeast Asia and started to think that I got myself into some
shit. After reading about Pol Pot, landmines
and hookers I knew that this was
going to be an adventure to me. Growing up a suburban white in the United
States was nothing even close to what I was reading about. We didn’t have land
mines lying around in the
woods and all of our hookers were toothless crack
whores. This shit was foreign to me and it was about as
foreign as foreign
could get. If you look at a globe the United States is the complete opposite of
Southeast
Asia. I wasn’t going backpacking in Europe or some other westernized place;
I was going to Southeast
fucking Asia!
So the
time came to where it was about my time to board the plane. Mark was no longer
in
Cambodia. He had taken a job in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam, or what your father
knows as Saigon. The plan
was for me to fly into Bangkok, apply for my
Vietnamese visa and then take a flight to Ho Chi Minh and
meet up with Mark. I was
told by him that it would take four to five days before I would get my visa.
After
trying like hell to get him to meet me in Bangkok with no luck, he
assured me that it would be alright. His
exact words were “I flew into Bangkok
by myself and nothing bad happened”. Well, yea motherfucker,
you’re used to
this shit. I had never even been out of the States before asshole! Whatever! Let’s
do this shit!
Mark
gave me a few simple instructions about traveling abroad and in Bangkok
specifically. Don’t
get robbed; don’t talk shit, if a woman automatically shows
you her tits, she is a man, act like you know what
you are doing and NO WEED IN
BANGKOK! He told me that you can smoke yourself stupid in Southeast
Asia but
for some reason Bangkok was very strict about weed. Pretty simple instructions I
thought. I can
handle this.
I get
off my plane, check in through immigration and make my way to a cab. I have him
take me to
Khao San Road which was made famous in the movie The Beach and is considered the “Gateway
to
Southeast Asia”. The cab ride was some amazing shit and I couldn’t wipe the
smile off my face all while
thinking that I was going to die soon. The cab
driver weaved in and out of Tuk Tuks and pedestrians and we
time. I was here, the place that I had been reading so much about in the
months prior.
I exited
the cab and was immediately surrounded by little Thai fuckers offering me food,
hotels,
“boom boom” and “yum yum”. It took me a while to figure out what the
last two were but I’m a smart
motherfucker and figured it out with a little
thought. I ignored all offers and continued to walk, looking for a
place for me
to sleep for the night. I eventually found a nice little hotel off the
craziness of the Khao San Road
with a restaurant below it. I checked in and
made my way to the restaurant for a beer and some food. I
made the mistake by telling them I wanted
the spiciest dish that they had and I think my butthole suffered for
the
remaining of the trip. The whole time I was sitting there I was obviously
sticking out like a sore thumb and
people kept talking to me. I eventually
starting talking to some Thai’s that worked there and were just getting
off and
a couple more foreign assholes.
The next
thing I knew, no less than 2 hours after I landed in Thailand, I was at a whore
house. I
had told Mark that I didn’t think I was going to bang any hookers
there and he just laughed. Yep, he was
right and in the first few hours nonetheless!
For all you women out there, you just won’t get it. Foreign
countries and
hookers go hand in hand. You can’t just go out and have a one night stand in a
foreign country,
everything, and I mean EVERYTHING costs money and all these
bitches want white boyfriends. Boyfriends
who they want to turn into husbands,
not one night stands. So go fuck yourself!
Now back
to the whore house. We walk into a dirty, falling down, brick building and my
new Thai
friend starts talking to what I can only assume is a gentlemen, and
all of a sudden he claps his hands twice.
Next thing I know, no less that 20
half naked girls come out of a back room and line up. I had no fucking
idea
what I was supposed to do so the other foreign assholes picked first and took
off to the back room.
That’s right! I was the last man in line for the gang
bang! Not really. I just wanted to say that. I just got last
pick last so the
hottest ones were gone. I don’t want to bore you by talking about me banging a
hooker but
this was my first time I had paid for sex. It’s not the same at all
and really isn’t that enjoyable but it certainly
wouldn’t be my last time
banging a hooker. Hell, I still bang hookers to this day. Sometimes you’re
drunk
and just want to get a nut and not have to deal with all the bullshit you
women make us go through to get in
your pants.
After our
whore house trip we go back to the hotel and drink until the sun comes up with
my new
Thai and foreign friends. I get a good couple of hours of sleep (I could
have slept all day but I wasn’t going
to waste it), did some sightseeing and
then met up with my new Thai friend who worked at the hotel. I ended
up getting
hammered exchanging stories with this guy and his friends and then it came. My
new Thai friend
had some weed and wanted to smoke a joint. At first I was
hesitant because of what Mark told me but I
thought “Hey, this is a nice guy
and it not like I buying weed from him, I’m smoking HIS joint WITH him”.
So
what the fuck; I smoked a joint with him and his friends, went to bed and
nothing out of the ordinary
happened.
Next day
consisted of more sightseeing and then meeting back up with my new Thai best
friend.
We started drinking and then ended up at a ping pong show. For those
that do not know what I am getting at
I will explain. Outside of the Khao San
Road there is an area of town called Patpong which is the red light
district. A
ping pong show is like nothing you will ever see in your life. You basically go
into a strip club and
these hookers show you their “talents” with their bodies.
That’s right! These hookers shoot ping pong balls
out of their vaginas, shoot
darts out of their vaginas and even smoke cigarettes out of their vaginas. It
is a
glorious experience and I walked away with utmost respect for the human
vagina.
We get
back to the hotel after the greatest night of my life for more drinking and
smoking this
dude’s weed and then it came. He pulled me to the side and told me
some bullshit about how his dealer was
coming to collect the money for the weed
and he didn’t have it. I thought that he was going to ask me for
money but, no.
He wanted me to hold on to the weed so his dealer wouldn’t take it. I was
having no part of
it because of Mark and I’s prior conversation but, being the
dumbshit American that I am, finally took it so
he would shit the fuck up. I
went back to my room, smoked a joint and started thinking. I didn’t like the
situation and I needed to get the fuck out of this hotel! I packed up my shit
in the middle of the night when I
knew everybody was in bed, left the key at
the desk and got the fuck out of there.
I walked
down to the more crowded Khao San Road, found a hotel and just sat wide awake
in
bed when I started to get the munchies. I remembered that there was a 7 11
directly across from my new
hotel. I made to conscience decision to take the
weed out of my pocket before I left and went to the 7 11 no
more than 50 feet
from my hotel. As I am almost across the street, two cops on the same motorbike
stop
and start saying a bunch of shit in Thai to me. I don’t understand Thai but
they started to pat me down and
kept saying “Marijuan” over and over and over
and over again. I played stupid and they reluctantly let me go.
I got some snacks
and headed back to my hotel for a sleepless night wondering what the fuck I was
doing. I
was warned and still defied my good friends’ orders. The kid has done
this before. He knew what he was
talking about and I was a fucking idiot.
I devised
a plan, if you call it that, to get this weed back to my supposed friend. I
should have just
flushed it but, like I said, I’m a fucking idiot. I stuffed it
in my sock and made my way through the crowded
Khao San Road back to my original
hotel. I found my Thai friend who seemed very concerned about me
because I checked
out and all my stuff was gone. I pulled him to the side, pulled the weed out of
my sock
and told him to fuck off and I never wanted to see him again. The look
on his face was priceless and as soon
as I saw it I knew what was up. He was
working for the cops and wanted me to get busted. If I got busted I
would have
bribed the cops and he would have got a cut. I know what was up now but I guess
you have to
learn the hard way, right? I took off never to see that fucking
snitch again but I wasn’t done with the cops
yet.
I spent my
last remaining day and night in Bangkok hanging out with an English guy that I met
that
day, before I was to receive my visa in the morning and fly to Bangkok. We
drank a bunch of beers and
hung out on Khao San Road while Thai street vendors
called us George Bush and Tony Blair not so
respectfully. I actually have audio
that I recorded with a pocket recorder with some of our conversations we
had
with Thai people that night. At this point I thought that all was well and I was
in the clear. I made
arrangements to meet my English friend, whose name escapes
me, in the afternoon for a beer before my flight
to Vietnam left in the late
afternoon. I went back to my hotel and got some much need rest.
I woke
up and had a few hours to kill before I met the Englishman and decided to head
to a Thai
boxing gym that I had seen earlier in my sightseeing. As I am walking
there I have to go through this dirty ass
alley. There are bums sleeping on the
side, trash everywhere, a big fucking shithole alley. As I am walking, I
am
smoking a cigarette and when I was finished I flicked it in the dirty alley.
The next thing I know 2 cops on
one motorbike stop me and tell me that I was
littering. I tell them that I was sorry and picked up my cigarette
butt
thinking this would solve the problem. Nope! They inform me that littering is a
2000 baht fine, which I
think; at the time was around $125-150 US dollars. At this
point I am done with the fucking cops in
Bangkok. I’ll just pay the fine, get
the fuck out of there and never see them again. Problem was that I only
had travelers
checks on me. I inform them of this and they tell me to get on the motorbike.
So there I am on a
motorbike, a fucking scooter as we call them, sitting bitch
between two Thai police officers heading to a Thai
check cashing store. I go up
to the window, hand them the travelers check and they ask for my passport. “I
don’t
have my passport”. “We cannot cash a travelers check without your passport, sir”.
I try to explain to
them that I had a “fine” to pay to the police and they didn’t
care. “No passport, no cash traveler check”. So I
hop back on my bitch seat
between two Thai officers and we headed to the next check cashing place, then
the next one, then the next one, NOBODY would cash a travelers check without my
passport and I’m
starting to think that I’m going to jail for fucking littering
in Thailand. The cops ask me where I am staying and
I lie and say Patpong. Hey,
that’s the only other part of town that I knew at the time. I guess they didn’t
want
to drive all the way there so they reluctantly let me go. You could tell
that they were fucking pissed but they
eventually let me go. I snuck into the
crowd of the Khao San Road and made it to my hotel, making sure that
I wasn’t being
followed and hid like a bitch until I got a cab to the airport. If you’re
reading this Englishman,
now you know why I never showed up to the bar for
drinks before I left town.
I’m
sure you know by now that this had nothing to do with littering in a shit
stained alley. These cops either knew what was going on or they were the same
cops that stopped me outside of the 7 11. I have no idea, all those Thai
fuckers look exactly the same to me but I assume they were the same ones working with my Thai friend. When I got to Vietnam and told Mark all he could
do was say that I was a dumbass and laugh.
Bottom line is that if you ever
go to Bangkok, DON’T SMOKE FUCKING WEED! You have been warned twice now.
This guy on the Khao San Road has no fucking legs!
Haha that was an awesome story. There's a guy with no legs that skateboards down the road where I live, using hockey gloves to paddle along down the sidewalk.
ReplyDeleteAnother awesome story! I was wondering if you were ever coming back!
ReplyDeleteI better stop smoking weed then.
ReplyDeleteAmazing story. I'll be back for more.
ReplyDeleteinteresant
ReplyDelete