Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Cambodian Piss Shits

Cambodia is a dirty place. It is also supposedly very dangerous so I talked Mark into coming to Phnom Phenh with me on my way back to Bangkok. Mark had lived there for about a year or so and absolutely hates this place. I had been fascinated with this place every since I planned my trip to South East Asia because this was originally where Mark was living and originally where I would spend the most time in.
When we got there I thought it wasn’t even Phnom Penh. This is supposed to be the capital of a fucking country but it looked like some third tier American town. They had one main road that was paved that went though the city. All of the side roads and shit were all dirt. The people built Ankor Wat thousands of fucking years ago and they can’t pave the fucking roads. The people looked different. Their skin was darker than the Vietnamese and they looked fucking angry. Shit. I would be angry too if a dictator killed off a third of the population and left all the dumb people. Mark informed me that anybody older than him and I (born 1979 and 1978) lived through Pol Pot. I always knew Pol Pot was a crazy motherfucker but I mainly knew about him from the Dead Kennedys song.
But like I said earlier the place is fucking dirty. People piss and shit in plain view by the side of the road and because the roads are not paved there is a lot of dust because it is hot as balls. When there is dust and you are outside, you breathe in the dust. The best way to look at it is you are breathing in a bunch of Cambodian piss and shit. Your food has peoples piss and shit on it. You brush your teeth in peoples piss and shit. Not just peoples piss and shit, angry fucking Cambodians piss and shit.
Because of this, you are always sick. There is always something that is fucked up with your body. Most of the time it is a god damn horrible case of diarrhea, diarrhea that fucking kills your butt and your toilet. This is where I came up with the term “Cambodian Piss Shits”.
I spent four days in Phenom Penh with Mark getting offered every drug on the planet and even a chance to blow up a cow in the land of starving children with a rocket launcher. That’s right. I could have blown up a cow with a rocket launcher if I really wanted to. I am a scumbag but not that big of a scumbag. Cambodians are scummy little fuckers. They will pinch the shit out of their kids as you walk by them to make them cry and then ask for money. Scum fucking bags!
The first night there we went to a restaurant which was basically the equivalent of an Applebee’s in the States. It was just a middle class family restaurant. All of a sudden, a guy start going fucking batshit crazy on his wife or girlfriend. He starts smashing all the plates, glasses and other dishes that were on his table on the floor. When he ran out of shit to smash on his table he decided to start smashing shit from other peoples tables. Mark told me not to make eye contact with the guy because he would direct his anger towards us, the white people, but it was almost impossible. This shit was better than Jerry Fucking Springer and I had a front row seat! After someone got his wife out of there and he finally calmed down, the waiter came up to him and not only didn’t kick him out but he asked him if he wanted another beer! Fucking Cambodians! After four days in Phenom Penh eating Happy Pizza’s (pizza with weed and mushrooms as a topping) I said my goodbyes to Mark and got on a boat to Siem Reap, home of Ankor Wat.
The beginning of this boat ride was pretty normal. Nice, working boat and all that shit. But, then about half way through the trip we tied up to another boat, grabbed our bags and changed boats. This boat fucking sucked my balls. It looked like it shouldn’t have even still been floating and had this little ass motor on it. But that wasn’t the main problem. The main problem was the water level. I don’t think any boat should have been on this lake or river or whatever the fuck it was. The dude driving the boat had it floored to the max and even though it was small motor, we were hauling ass. When you are running aground and hauling balls you get whip lash like a motherfucker and sometimes you feel like you are going to die. Fucking Cambodians!
So I get to Siam Reap in one piece and set it up with my motorbike driver when we were going to head out to the temples. I woke up the next day and hopped on the back of dudes motorbike to see a billion of all these old temples and shit, the most famous being Angkor Wat. We were supposed to get to Angkor Wat to see the sunrise but the god damn sun never came out. Only my luck would allow the weather to be overcast with no fucking sun when I was to see one of the coolest parts of the trip. So we went off to all the other temples in the area and would come back later. Don’t get me wrong, these temples are cool and shit but they all look the same.
My motorbike driver would drop me off and allow me to explore these old fuckers for as long as I wanted. I would always find strange hidden rooms to hide in and smoke a joint. When we went back to Angkor Wat I saw this steep, scary looking staircase that looked to go no-where. I decided that it would be best if I climbed that motherfucker to see where it went. I also thought it was a great place to smoke at.  When I got the top of this thing it was just another Buddha, praying, temple deal. But it was a good place to relax for a minute. Or so I thought.
I started feeling like I had Metallica in my fucking stomach. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe right, I wanted to fucking die and there was no way I was making my way down those fucking stairs and finding a bathroom that probably doesn’t even exist. So I told Buddha that I didn’t believe in him in the first place, dropped my pants and Cambodian Piss Shit all over one of the seven wonders of the world. I made it back to Bangkok for my flight back home without any supernatural Buddha revenge on me.
The is the dickhead that saw the whole thing, Thanks for the toilet paper!

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